This letter is going to be a little different from your sisters because if I’m being completly honest here, I don’t remember your every move like I did Nora’s. I didn’t have time to write an update every month, and I didn’t spend most of my days just watching you. This doesnt mean I love you any less, I remember the things I knew were important this time around. Even though I am still learning and trying to navigate this journey with two babies, I hope you know I have given you my all.
With every blog post or open letter I read about having a second child, they always talked about how you would get second hand stuff and get less attention, etc. Oh, but you my baby boy, set out to prove them wrong. You crave all the attention my little Velcro baby.
Nothing you did or do is anything like they said it would be (except for you maybe being the more “difficult” child.) We knew you were special from the moment you were born. I had my heart set on a birthing plan, but of course, you didn’t listen even then. I thought I was confident in my parenting views and ways, and you set out to prove those wrong too. Even though the first few months were hard (and some days still are,) I want to thank you my sweet child for making me a better parent. I felt more clueless and more scared than I ever did with your sister. You were such a mystery not only to us, but to doctors and to all those around you. Oh, what I would do to go back and hold your sweet newborn face again.
This past year has been the longest but fastest year of my life. They don’t kid when they say the days are long but the years are short. When I think back on the past year, even though I wish you had gotten yourDiagnosis sooner, I don’t think I would do anything differently. I loved holding you 24/7 and singing you to sleep. Yes, the days are chaotic but I love when both you and your sister climb all over me, when you fight endlessly over the same toy, and when you giggle over the silliest of things.
I thought it would be easy having you, that you would slip into our world and that would be that. With your sister (like most first time parents,) I walked on eggshells that first year, trying to impress everyone and follow everyone’s advice. This time around, in order to protect you and do what was necessary for us to make this past year as best as possible, I started listening to your wants/needs, and to my heart. And that’s when it became easier. We became so involved in our new world, our new routines, that even though it shut most of the outside world out, I wouldn’t change a thing. You changed me, my Benjamin, and I will be forever grateful. I am now a confident, co-sleeping, gentle parent and oh so proud to be. I would have never found gentle parenting had it not been for you.
This past year has never tested my limits so much as it has, and I’ve never been so annoyed but oh so madly in love at the same time. You push my buttons Benjamin, but I now understand the love between a mother and her son. There is nothing like the bond we share and even though I don’t remember exactly when you started sitting up or waved for the first time, I will always remember what it feels like to have your warm body snuggled up to mine all through the night. I will always remember the way your breath smelt like sweet milk, and how you have the softest patch of hair on the back of your head. I love the way you crinkle your nose, and how you look at your sister like she’s the greatest thing in the whole world. I’ll always remember how you never, ever stop moving, and how your silly speed crawl is the cutest little thing. You are the sweetest, most lovable little boy ever. Even though some days I could go without the constant hugging, kissing, and being held, I know one day I will look back on these days and miss them. “Cause even though my body won’t carry you forever, my heart always will.“
So I want to thank you my sweet boy for being so patient when Mama or your sister are having a rough day, thank you for being so understanding when I tell you “just one more second” for the tenth time that day. Thank you for knowing when we all need a hug (or 5,) and thank you for FINALLY starting to watch some tv. I know some days Mama is a little on edge, and sometimes you feel left out when your big sister needs some loving too. But I want you to know, that even though you are my second born, you have never been second in my heart. You both have my whole heart.
Thank you for completing our little family so perfectly, for always keeping us in suspense, and for loving us so unconditionally. Thank you for teaching me how to survive on little to no sleep, and for showing me how to be more patient. Thank you for teaching me not to judge other parents because as I know now, we’re all just trying to do our best.
You didn’t make me a Mama Benjamin, but you’ve made me the Mama I am proud to be ♥