As I look back at the last year, it amazes me how much good and bad one can have all at the same time. For some reason, as the last few days of the year approach, I can’t help but feel nothing but loneliness.
I know I should feel happy with the way my life is right now, with the house and the birth of my first child, but as I lay here I can’t stop wishing for the past years back.
Thinking back I miss the cheerleading squad I had congratulating me on every tiny accomplishment I made in my life. It seems that the bigger the accomplishment, the less people you have supporting you. I don’t know if it’s with age and people getting on with their own lives, or me just being selfish. This year just seems to be filled with people leaving and wanting to get as far away as possible.
For those who don’t know me, I am the type of person who doesn’t deal well with emotions. Whether they be my own, or someone else’s, I would rather crack a joke and move on with our lives. Unfortunately, these emotions come back to haunt me months later and it has also resulted in me being unable to be a supporting person.
I know that the lack of experience I have dealing with hardships has caused me to loose friends, and has caused others to curse me when I am not there for them. Instead of learning from these mistakes, I have continued to not be supporting and have still expected everyone to support me.
With all of these experiences, walking away and not putting effort into anyone except my own life has always been the easiest solution for me. It took the passing of my grandmother a few days ago for me to realize how much this has a negative effect for everyone involved.
Just to put in some insight without me going into to much detail, my father left us for another woman 7 years ago and it has been nothing but problems ever since. He has recently come back into our lives when my grandmother fell sick with cancer. She fought hard for two very long years and passed this December 26th.
Thinking back I wish I had invested more of my time into her instead of always saying “well she doesn’t try, why should I.” I should have dealt with the difficult emotions that cancer causes someone to go through, instead of not calling because it was “easier.” I should have not let the drama with my father shorten the time I had with her that last time. I have so many regrets but at the same time I want to thank her.
Because of her, starting in 2018, I will be a better person. I will invest my time in others and I will try and understand their pain, no matter how hard it may be. I will not wait on others to come and see me, no I will go and see them because we don’t know how much time we have left. I will get out of my own head and make a life surrounded by the people who love me. I will let go of the past, and focus on a better future.
I have never lost someone before, never even had to go through the death of a dog, so I’m not sure how I’m supposed to be feeling right now. Anger is definitely in first place, and I know I’m directing it in the wrong directions, but it is so much easier to deal with than heartbreak. I want to know how to properly grieve, but at the same time I am so scared. I don’t want the help or support from anyone, as I know it is something I have to discover on my own.
The loss of a recent friendship is slowly starting to creep up on me too, and it’s already beginning to get too much. I am expecting to be hit with a ton of bricks but I wish I knew when it was going to hit. I know I’m not alone, but is this how death makes you feel?
I could go on for hours about the crazy ups and downs that this year has been, but for now I will cuddle with the miracle that life has blessed us with this year, the miracle that my Doda prayed for and the miracle that helped her suffering to end. Please watch over your great-granddaughter Doda, and know how much you will be missed.